New fitness plan

I love this so much.  So many people around talking sh*t about everyone else instead of putting their focus on moving forward in their own lives.  One of the main things that holds us back is too much comparison to our peers.  Keep your eye on the prize, and your butt into gear.  Gossiping is for people with no ambition.

 

ran

Drama Queen 101

Surround yourself with people who want to move forward not live in that past.

Talk about opinions, the world, passions, art, music, philosophy and politics, not other people.

Rub shoulders with the passionate.

Learn from the successful.

There is not enough time in your life for unnecessary drama…

drama

 

The Art Of ‘No’

I used to be the ultimate people pleaser and struggled so much with saying ‘no’.  Growing up in a huge family that was very close knit, we were raised with the idea that the right thing to do was to always help people and be compassionate, forgiving and always see the good in others.

Very hard blanket rules that we learn to adhere to without flexibility make for some serious issues down the line in our adult life.  At one point I absolutely dreaded saying ‘no’.  The word would come with a huge boulder of guilt that lay heavy on my shoulders.  As a result of this, I often found myself in awkward situations or helping people I didn’t want to ,or giving up time I didn’t have to others.

Saying ‘yes’ when you mean ‘no’  is a terrible habit.  On every level.  It leads you away from your natural path of life and often can leave you feeling used, bitter and resentful.

For example: “Hey Roxy, can you please give me a lift to work?”  My thoughts : ‘Well actually, I have an appointment in 20 mins and you are going in the other direction so I don’t really have time for that cause I will be late.  Me out loud: “Yeh ok” accompanied with a smile.  Obviously my friend gets dropped off and I miss my appointment and my natural thought pattern goes to : ‘Fuck! why did she have to ask me…now I’ve missed my appointment because of her… grrr…’ – And there it is, Resentment. Underserved because I couldn’t say ‘no’.  This situation is entirely my fault.  What I should have said “Actually, I have an appointment in 20 mins, so I won’t be able to this time, sorry”.  Seems pretty simple right?  Well under a boulder of ‘no’ guilt, sometimes its impossible.

Scenario 2:

Cousin chops off my left foot (bear with me).  Said cousin asks me to go out for a coffee.  Me thinking: ‘No I don’t like you’. Me out loud “Yeh sure”.  The following experience is awkward and unpleasant and I pretend to be happy – yes people, now I’ve resorted to lying.  What should have happened:  Cousin “Hey you wanna go for coffee?” Me “No, not really”.  Cousin “Come on, why?”  Me “Bitch you cut off my left foot and I don’t like you!”…yes it’s a bit abrupt but at least its the truth.

So in the years of saying ‘yes’ instead of ‘no’, I became a contradiction.  I realised that I had made myself a dishonest and two-faced person.  These scary ‘no’s’ had turned me into an awful version of myself.  Surely this was much worse than turning down a few people.

And so one day I decided I was done with that.  That I would push through the guilt and be forward about how I felt about things.  It really made me feel like a grown up to be able to openly own my emotions like that and very quickly I fizzled out the ‘users’ that were constantly in my world.  I avoided putting myself in awkward situations, I felt no resentment and in communicating better, I started to create more meaningful relationships with the right people around me.

The hardest part is to separate your emotional reaction to a situation and look at it logically.  We must remember that emotions are subjective and logic is objective.  The same emotional reaction to a certain situation will not necessarily be shared by the individuals in that scenario. But the logical reality generally remains consistent.  

We all have a different catalogue of memories which we often call back to when navigating the world.  Take myself as an example, I went to an all-girl catholic private high school growing up.  We wore a bright red uniform everyday, red and white school dress, red pullover, red blazer and even red hair tie.  Today you would never catch me in anything red.  I can’t put it on me without feeling yuck.  Now, it’s not that it looks bad on me or its a bad colour, but it reminds me of sitting at school with no freedoms and being bored as fuck.  To anyone else, it’s just a colour and some people even love it (probably because of another type of emotional memory). But if I really had to wear red for a particular reason, I would deal with my hang up by understanding where the emotional reaction comes from, clarifying the difference between my memory catalogue and the current situation and debunking the negative block.  

It’s the same with saying ‘no’.  If we recognise the emotional reaction and put it aside, we can think about the logical reasoning for saying ‘no’ thus making it an acceptable response.  Communicating the reason why also reduces the chance for bad assumptions so that’s a good idea too.

The word ‘no’, although literally meaning ‘negative’, does not need to be judged  in that way.   Saying ‘no’ is just leaving us time and energy to say ‘yes’ somewhere else.   Sometimes you have to look after yourself before you can help others.  In an airplane safety video, you are asked to put the oxygen mask on yourself before helping others fit theirs.  This is simply because If you are in a better position, you are better equipped to help others.  It’s not a selfish act if it’s a logical one.

So my big advice for today is to master the art of ‘no’.  Use it appropriately and take responsibility for your own opinions and feelings. Never say ‘maybe’ when you actually mean ‘no’.  It does not soften the blow.  We live in a world with way too much assumption, censoring and political correctness.  If the world started being more direct and honest with each other, we would speed up the process of finding the right kind of friends and developing better relationships; both personal and in business.  And the fakers of the world would be exposed very quickly.  Imagine a world of honest people.  It’s a big ask but small steps may one day lead us there.  In the meanwhile, master your ‘nos’ and own those feelings.  You will be a much better person for it.

Finally I’m really interested to know if anyone shares the ‘no’ guilt issue or has struggled with this in their life.   If so, what do you think were the factors  that contributed/s in conditioning you to feel this way, and how do/did you cope with it?

Feel free to leave comments (button near date at the top).

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Thanks for reading friends 🙂

Roxy Xx

 

 

What would you rather be doing?

10years

 

It’s been a productive week.  My eldest son, Chance started school (pre-primary), I had 2 wisdom teeth pulled out, snuck in 2 mid-week gigs, 1 Skype singing lesson and recorded a new song idea.  And so with Chance being kept busy 5 days a week 830-3pm, I’ve been given a whole lot of time back.  I actually feel rich!

You see, we should see our time and energy as we see our money – even more precious, as time and energy spent can never be returned to you.  Yet, so many people are willing to give up their precious time doing things they don’t enjoy for very small amounts of money or return.

Today I ask, What are you doing with your time and energy? and What would you rather be doing?  If you find the two answers are far from each other then maybe it’s time to re-evaluate.

Believe it or not, not all people dread the idea of going to work.  And I’m not just making reference to people who have exciting jobs and get paid a shitload of money.  There are some people who love their job waiting tables, or driving a delivery van or doing someone’s taxes.  And outside of this, there are some people who just haven’t found their ‘Happy’ yet.

The world is full of different and unique personalities and there is no standard one way road to happiness.  And frankly, that’s because ‘happiness’ means something different to each and every one of us.  So no, you don’t need to be rich to be happy, but you do need to be happy to feel enriched.

To my friends who plod along in life on auto-pilot feeling unhappy, apathetic and without purpose: It’s time to take a moment.  Ask yourself what would you rather be doing.  And then do it.  Now… I don’t mean quit your job and start being a full time finger-painter because ‘I love finger-painting’ and then go broke and get homeless etc… Just take it in small steps.  That time that you are throwing at people like its worthless, I say, hold on to some of it.  Keep it for yourself.  Just a few hours a week doing what you love to heal your heart and feed your soul.  It will make such a difference in your life and could spark an idea for a project, and that project could later fit into a business model, and in taking little steps you might see value in dedicating more time to that ‘Happy’ and turn it into something that makes you money, directly or indirectly.  Your ‘Happy could end up being your full time job — you could live on it! Wouldn’t that be amazing??

Well it’s not impossible.  Some of us are just enslaved by our ideas about the ‘rules of life’.  And we resign to the fact that our life is just about waking up and going to work for 40 hours to make someone else rich, just so we can pay bills and ask for permission to go on a holiday for 2 weeks, once a year.  Shit! that sounds all sorts of crazy to me.

The Alternative?  Put  your happiness at the top of your priority list.  Because happiness attracts all kinds of success. And happiness brings good health.  Happiness fixes relationships.  Happiness attracts customers. And happiness finds the right squad for you to hang out with.

But all change is difficult and scary for most, and it requires time and energy. So when dividing up that time and energy across your commitments, please reserve some of that energy for your ‘Happy’.  If you think that you are too busy, then basically you’ve decided to settle for your current situation.

And if you don’t know where to start, who you are, what you like and what you should be doing, maybe I can help you.

Watch this space for upcoming events, info and blogs or get in contact at thealternativetoday@gmail.com  if you want to chat.

Finally I want to ask everyone to be thankful for the energy and time that others give to you, as I am thankful for the time you took to read this blog.  Your time is not unlimited. Use it wisely!

RoxySIGNoff

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