Sorry Not Sorry

isulted

There is something that rubs me the wrong way about people who cannot, don’t or won’t say “Sorry”.  I have come across a few people in my life who, even when they know that they are undoubtedly at fault, cannot succumb to the ‘S’ word, as it if would crumble their very being.  For me it’s pretty simple.  If you have done something wrong, or that has impacted someone negatively: you say sorry, you feel sorry.  It shows you care enough about that person’s well-being and that you admit that you are feeling guilt.

Guilt Vs Shame

I did some research on people who can’t apologise and what I found was that it usually comes down to one major point: People cannot apologise because instead of guilt, they feel shame.  There is a big difference between the emotions of guilt and shame.  Guilt is being upset and caring about affecting others in a negative way.  Shame on the other hand, is feeling bad about yourself and attacks your ego and self-esteem.  So guilt is directed towards others, and shame is toward yourself.  These ‘non-apologists’ find it difficult to separate the two.

Shame on your ego

Let’s talk about ego.  The definition of ego is ‘a persons sense of self-esteem or self importance’  Ego is the mental image that we  have of ourselves. It is our very sense of identity.  And when we feel shame we pull down our ego/self-worth a notch.  For some people that is too much.  Usually those people have a fragile ego, are insecure and already have a low sense of self-worth, which they are trying to hide from the rest of the world.  They have created an ego/persona so far from the person they really are.  When we apologise and feel guilt we acknowledge that we have hurt another person.  When we apologise and feel shame, we decide that we are bad people.

We apologise in hopes to find resolution and to repair damage, but those who cannot, think that apologies will lead to further accusations and criticism.  The fear of this, and letting everyone know how fragile, or what a fraud they really are, cause a block in the ability to say the word ‘sorry’. The thing is, everybody makes mistakes and being sorry about something does not make you globally a bad person.  Most of the time it comes down to a lapse of judgement.

When sorry isn’t sorry

Another thing that non-apologists do is to say sorry in a round about way that doesnt actually mean sorry.

Some common non-apologies are listed below:

“I’m sorry for the way this all turned out”
This means I’m sorry about the overall outcome but I don’t necessarily acknowledge my fault in this matter.

“I’m sorry that I couldn’t be the person that you wanted me to be”
This is a blatant shift of blame meaning “It’s your own fault for having too high an expectation of me.”

“I’m sorry you feel that way”
This means “You should feel different about this, it’s your own fault for choosing to be upset, angry, hurt, disappointed…etc.”

My response to all of the above is usually a “You can just fuck off now!” or something inspired by this phrase.  Don’t be fooled into accepting an apology that isn’t one.

The pretend it didn’t happen tactic:

Some people don’t apologise, go MIA for a little while ad then come back pretending like it didn’t happen.  And then go further to blame you for not getting over it, moving forward or living in the past.
-“Cant we just get past this?
-“No. Not really. Not until you apologise.”

The sarcastic “S” word:

“Fine, Sorry!”, “If thats what you need to hear”  Apologising is about the words, the tone and the feeling of guilt.  A sarcastic sorry snaps out an accusation not an apology.  The non-apologist is dismissive and accuses the other person of being petty and demanding.

The baby talk “Sorry”:

“Awww, I’m shawy” with puppy dog eyes.  Ugh this is shallow, condescending and manipulative.  Feel free to show your “Shawy” up your ass.

The Suck up:

Said non-apologists may start being super nice to you but still won’t say ‘sorry’, in hopes that you will see their good deeds as an apology and forget all about it.

sorryquote

A Genuine Apology

When you say sorry

  • Understand why you are saying sorry.
  • Explain to the person why you are saying sorry so they know that you understand what you did wrong.
  • Say the words “I’m Sorry”.
  • Offer a reason, not an excuse for your behavior, or explain that you don’t have one.
  • Feel guilty, never angry.
  • Take steps to change or repair the damage.
  • Learn from your mistakes and don’t repeat them.

Somehow, ‘Sorry’ became harder to say than ‘I love you’ or ‘I need you’, based on its ties to feeling shame and damaging one’s ego.  When you can sever these ties and apologise and still survive, you become free and empowered.  You become a better person for being able to care for others.

Feel free to comment about your experience with people who cannot apologise and What makes a great apology?

Disappointment

 

Disappointment is one of the hardest emotions to deal with.  I can get over anger and frustration, but disappointment, that’s a killer.  My expectations of others, to me, don’t seem to be overly high.  Basically put, I expect the same respect, loyalty and honesty that I put out into the world, back.

It is emotionally shattering when someone that you care about falls short of your expectations of even the smallest things.  My heart wants to forget and move on, but my head says that I’m just setting myself up for more heartache down the track.

I’ve always been taught to see the good in others, but when it comes to blindly ignoring a persons actions to preserve your own idea of who and how that person really is, it becomes an issue of of lying to myself and choosing to be naive. Good relationships are built on trust and when there is a moral difference between you and a person, whether it be your partner, mother, father, brother, aunt or close friend, you start to wonder whether you can co-exist with that person.

Sometimes it can be that you haven’t  communicated your expectation of that person to them, and therefore, they cannot live up to those expectations without knowing what those expectations are.

But do I really have to spell this out for you? Do I really need to tell you what it is to be a decent human being?

The answer is yes.  In a world where there are so many different personality types, and people have different histories and up-bringing, it is only logical that they would have different moral codes and standards.

A really good example is tardiness.  Some people have no problem with making people wait for them. ‘It’s only 15 mins, 30 mins, an hour…’  And yet others (including myself) harbour guilt and anxiety when they are late and have not properly respected others’ time – Comes down to how you value your time really, doesn’t it?

So YES, vocalize your expectations, and when that person actively chooses to fall short, then you can right-fully hold them accountable.

So what happens when they do fall short?

You ask yourself, can you live with it? Can you honestly lower your expectation and accept that this person doesn’t have the capacity to fit into your idea of them? Will you accept a compromised version?  Will you settle for less? It’s a tough decision, but if the answer is no, then you must try to distance yourself.  Because if you don’t you will start a very quick path to building resentment for that person.

Maybe not forever.

One day you might see that this person has genuinely evolved and changed, and there ‘new’ being is someone you might want to accept into your life again.  People do change after all.  This is the best outcome you can hope for in the future.

But how do you let go?

I’m still trying to figure this one out myself.  But I tell you, it’s not without some tears and heartache.  Remember that you are choosing to let go an idea that you created of someone, and choosing to see them, in reality, for the person that they actually are.  What is the point of having a friend, if they are a shit friend?  What is the point of trusting someone, when they do not value that trust?  There is no point.  Often we hold on to people because we fear being alone.  But I would rather be alone than be surrounded by toxic people.

Once again, Actively rejecting people and certain personality traits will send a great message to the universe that you want something/someone better.  And the ‘better’ will come eventually. We must let go of the bad ,so that we have time in our lives for good people.  It is far from easy, but the concept makes perfect sense.

Also remember that distancing yourself doesn’t need to be mean or spiteful.  It could just mean interacting on a shallower and impersonal level.  People can only emotionally mess with you if you give them the power to.

This is NOT about YOU.

Another important point is:  Whether or not someone lives up to your expectation, is not a reflection of your worthiness.  Wait, I will say that again:  If someone falls short of your expectation of them, it is not because they thought that you were not worth the effort.  This is about THEM not YOU.  Self blame is a dark, dark road.

Practise Gratitude.

Finally, if you have people that are in you life that are ace-ing the relationship and friendship game, hold on to them tight and be grateful.  Today I’m grateful for David, my kids, mother and our strong family unit, which sets the bar on my expectation of the kind of relationships and interactions I want to be having with others.  To my friends and the few people who are actively putting in the effort to be a positive force in my life, Thank you.  You know who you are. Never go away.

RoxySIGNoff

Opportunity Knocks…But are you even home?

There’s always a way to turn your life around.  We are always only one decision away from changing our lives.

Sometimes we find ourselves in a rut.  And the world doesn’t favour our best interests. World best seller book ‘The Secret’ tells us that we can manifest our destiny by thinking about how it would feel to have certain things.  So I spent hours with my head down concentrating on that mansion at the sea and a massive bank balance but alas! My millions haven’t arrived yet.

Then I thought, what am I actively doing to help my situation?  How much effort am I actually putting in to make things work?  To make my life better? When opportunity knocks, Am I ready and waiting to invite it in? Am I even home? Do I even hear that doorbell?

If you are too busy for change and for yourself, then you are basically telling the universe to come back later. We can’t just pray/ask for something good, and then when it arrives (even the smallest hint), ignore and put in on the ‘back-burner’.  If our heads are too far in the clouds (or deep in paperwork, spreadsheets, bills, stress),  we give up the ability to see the small steps to change and opportunity.

For example, If you want to quit your job and start working for yourself.  And then some one gives you an opportunity to jump in on a free online course about starting a small business, and you can’t do it because you have too much work to get done… You’ve pretty much shut the door on the very opportunity you asked for in the first place.  You’ve told the universe “umm…actually…no I really don’t want that”.

Commitment to your goals and committing your energy to something is what will make it grow.  So if you commit your energy to hating your job, that hate will grow too.  But if you commit your energy into finding a way to make money from something you love to do, opportunities will keep presenting themselves until you find the right one.  But you have to look to find and you have to be conscious about your goals.

If you don’t know where you are going, how are you going to get there?

The first step is to work out where you would like to be, and how you would like to feel.  And Write that shit down!.  List a few goals.  They do not need to be set in concrete, they will most certainly change and evolve as you do.

The next step is to do a bit of research.  On the net, in person, in books.  What are other people doing?  What’s available to me? Who do I know that can help?  What are my strengths and passions and how could they be turned into a project?  You can have a million ideas and it’s totally ok to research all of them.  Vocalise your goals to other people, tell everyone around you.  You’ll keep reminding yourself of where you are going and someone might know someone who may be able to help you in some way. Actively looking, researching, working on and talking about goals sends a message to the universe that you are serious about change.  It is committing your energy a 1000 times more than just thinking about it.

When the opportunities come, however small, make sure you are available to recognise them.  Make sure you are ready to take them on, make sure you have the ability to commit to the change you asked for.

Side note,  I’ve been chatting to some people to help them find purpose and work out what they are passionate about and how they can create more opportunities for themselves and start investing energy inward.  We bounce business ideas, share tips and work it all out together.  If you need some support with making a positive change.  Please feel free to get in contact with me.

Your comments are very welcome…

Happy Friday Everyone 🙂

 

RoxySIGNoff

Love Yourself?

helpsomeone

 

There’s this really old idea that ‘Nobody can love you, if you don’t love yourself”.

People who promote this idea are often doing it out of good intention. I have even found myself giving this advice in the past.  But loving yourself is difficult and at times  feels almost impossible for some people.

Let’s look at it a little differently.. If you were never taught how to love, how would you know?

Some of us have grown up in less fortunate environments which have instilled deep seeded issues around love, trust, self-worth and acceptance.  In all races, cultures and class of family, there can be a lack of emotional intelligence, communication and love.  If your parents weren’t affectionate towards each other or you, then how do you learn to be affectionate toward others?  If your family doesn’t value you as a person, how do you learn to value yourself and others?

The answer is from other people.  Those people who have seen the ‘broken you’ and can accept and love you regardless.  Those people that take the time to listen to your negative train of thoughts and put in the effort to derail those ideas.  Unconditional love and acceptance heals the deepest issues over time.

Sometimes I look at you and think, ‘why can’t you see how amazing you are?’

It is difficult to love someone that doesn’t love (or even like) themselves.  You are always fighting the demon that attacks their self worth.  There is always a reason why they shouldn’t feel good about themselves or why they don’t deserve something.  The emotional road blocks are high and at times, the person gets angry at you for not agreeing with them.  These people are always collecting evidence as to why they are not good enough.  They are almost comfortable in a state of self-loathing, but then they hate that they are this way at the same time. Depression is a demon that can take over your entire life and dim it into darkness.

To be helpful we must understand and accept that, just because you tell someone to feel better, it doesn’t mean that they will (whether they want to or not).  And just because you tell someone to ‘get over it’, doesn’t mean that they can.  All you can really do is be patient and try to de-bunk all the emotional negative ideas with positive  and logical ones.

If you are the person dealing with self-worth and self-love issues, forget about the idea that no one can love you if you can’t love yourself.  There are people who love you for the person that you are.  There are people that see the good in you where you can only see the bad.  There are people who actually want to be around you.  And there are people that see your value to them and the world.  Surround yourself with those people and Accept it.  You don’t need to love yourself just yet, but ACCEPT yourself, no matter how broken or how much of a mess you think you are.

‘This is me. I’m broken, I have issues. I accept that this is who I am’

It is through acceptance of ourselves that we learn to accept other’s love and positive energy.  Accepting that you are broken opens the door for others to help pick up the pieces.  And if you cannot focus on the good in yourself. focus on the good in other people.  Law of attraction says focusing on the good will attract the good.  And in time, you will learn to love yourself, bit by bit.

Please feel free to comment if you can relate. I would love to hear your thoughts.

And don’t forget to subscribe or follow to get notified of new blogs from The Alternative.

 

RoxySIGNoff