But what will they say…

When I stopped worrying about what other people would think about me, my opportunities quadrupled and my income tripled.

It’s so amazing how we so willingly accept other people’s opinion and judgement as our truths.

Nobody knows you more than YOU.
Nobody gets to decide your intention when doing something but YOU.
Nobody lives through your story and decisions more than YOU.

But it’s easy to surrender responsibility to others.

I get it. That was me. Always asking advice from my friends (even on the smallest things), Always hesitating do put myself out there because: What would people think? What would people say? How will this decision be perceived?

Always needing someone to validate my actions. TO VALIDATE ME.

What I didn’t realise for a long time is that I allowed others to control and design MY LIFE because of this. People form opinions based on their personal experiences and HISTORY. And everyone’s story and experiences are unique even though some may seem the same.

Which means that yes, you can learn from other people’s mistakes, but the outcome that someone gets from doing something might not be the same as the outcome that you might get from doing the EXACT same thing. There are too many external factors that make up peoples experiences, successes, failures and opinions. And sometimes the WIN you might get it is worth the RISK.

So should you listen to what others SAY? yes, but not everyone…
Should it override how you FEEL about something? Nope.

The best way is to TRY and form your OWN opinions. And WIN, or LEARN…

If I had listened to the people around me or cared what they would think:

I would have not moved to Sydney when I finished school.
I would not have auditioned for Australian Idol back in the day.
I would have not created The Starlettes, The Boutique, The Alternative.
I would have not been an Artist (they told me that I should only be a writer)
I would have given up on RNB.
I would have given up on singing and writing my own songs a long time ago to “get a real job”.
I would not have moved to Mauritius.
I would not have moved to Perth.
I would not be running my own business,
I would not be earning income from living my truth and spreading my message today.

My biggest successes have come from making decisions WITHOUT caring about others opinions.

Because nobody knows my truth like I do.
And finding space to listen to my intuition and backing myself wholeheartedly has made the world of difference to my life.

I AM WHO I WANT TO BE ALL THE TIME NOW.
And with that CERTAINTY and CONFIDENCE comes OPPORTUNITY and SUCCESS.

And I’m here to EMPOWER others to do the same… However it looks like for them.

Let me know if you are READY 👇

Am I not good enough?

As creative people, it is often that we come across feelings of insecurity and we question our self-worth.  You’ll find that even some of the most successful creators in the world sometimes struggle with self confidence – the questions ‘Am I not good enough?’ or ‘Do I deserve this?’ lurking in the dark corners of their minds.

You see, to be an artist, you must be able to feel things, emotions, energy and vibes. We let down our guards and open ourselves up to be susceptible to the feel of everything around us, and we try to feel these emotions through, rather than suppress them.  Then we use these emotions and feels create and relate in a meaningful way.  This process can often leave us vulnerable and sensitive.

When you open yourself up to a more emotional state, you often cannot control the feelings that you will absorb or bring up.  It’s why we see some of the best creators in the world struggle with demons of anxiety disorders and depression.

Is it worth it? In my opinion, to feel is to be human, and a life without a certain level of emotion is pointless.  So in with the good vibes – and sometimes the bad.

Sometimes I don’t feel like I’m good enough.  My singing, my ability to perform and teach, my writing, my appearance, my intellect.  And this feeling is often attached to a need for validation.

Social media plays a big part in today’s world as a tool for people to be validated, judged and accepted.  There are people literally dying for views, likes, and follows.  And therefore getting upset and torn down by the lack of these interactions.

Picture this, I spend a week thinking, writing, recording and making a video and original song. And when I post in online, it gets under 10 views, 3 likes an no comments.  No one cares.  Was it a crap song? Do I look bad in the video? Is my vocal not u to scratch? Am I good enough?….Why do I even bother?

10 minutes before posting, I was super proud of my work and feeling a sense of achievement.  And the just like that, I’m shattered.  Maybe by a computer robot that decided not to show my post in friends’ news feed?.  But that doesn’t matter, I’ve already been knocked down.  And sometimes that’s enough to set off a downward spiral into depression.

Then my coping mechanism kicks in.  My state of mind flips over to logical rather than emotional.  I focus on the things I have rather than what I don’t. And slowly the gauge moves from negative to positive.  That is a process I have worked very hard to develop.  I think about the things that I have achieved in my career and life, and  I remember positive comments that people have given me in the past.  I also remember how nice it felt to create my work.  The journey itself, was my reward.  And that’s it people!  The value of creating is in the creating, not the sale.  And that needs to be enough otherwise you will always feel let down.  Self validation is the key.  “I love this piece of work, I enjoyed making it, it’s awesome”.  That should be enough.  But it is easier said than done.

Creatives wake up each day and choose to be vulnerable, and to share personal experiences and emotions with us through their work, for the betterment of the world.  What would the world be like without art and music? Fucking horrible.

And sometimes we fail or are lazy, or too busy to acknowledge that contribution.  And when we fail to support and acknowledge others, we leave room for those people to feel hindered and ask themselves ‘what is the point?’

No I’m not saying that it is your fault that people  sometimes don’t feel good enough.  What I’m saying is:  Try to be a part of the thoughts that derail the negativity.  Try to be part of the coping mechanism.  Be the positive comment in the back of a creative mind.  We all need reassurance sometimes, even the most confident of us.

It’s very simple.  When you see something on social media that you like. Like it.  Better yet, comment on it.  Because the more interaction and response the post gets, the more it will be shown to others.  So many ridiculous posts go viral these days and too often I see real art being overlooked and ignored.

Support your creatives, my friends.  Not just online, go out and see a show, buy an album, share and spread the word.  And tell them. Tell them if you think they are awesome, even if you think that they must hear it all the time from others.  Because one day,  when that person is feeling sub-par, they might think about how you support them and it may just be enough for them to pick themselves up and keep going.  Your simple deed could be that person’s savior.

My fellow creatives, I’m so honored to be in the presence of your talent.  Enjoy creating and don’t let lack of interaction or trolling hinder you.  The journey and process is often more important than the outcome.  The world sees you. The world appreciates you. And the world needs you .  Stay shining.

Roxy Xx

 

PS if you like what I’m doing, feel free to share, comment like and follow.  Or you can support my work on Patreon  at http://www.patreon/roxanelebrasse

 

 

 

 

Sorry Not Sorry

isulted

There is something that rubs me the wrong way about people who cannot, don’t or won’t say “Sorry”.  I have come across a few people in my life who, even when they know that they are undoubtedly at fault, cannot succumb to the ‘S’ word, as it if would crumble their very being.  For me it’s pretty simple.  If you have done something wrong, or that has impacted someone negatively: you say sorry, you feel sorry.  It shows you care enough about that person’s well-being and that you admit that you are feeling guilt.

Guilt Vs Shame

I did some research on people who can’t apologise and what I found was that it usually comes down to one major point: People cannot apologise because instead of guilt, they feel shame.  There is a big difference between the emotions of guilt and shame.  Guilt is being upset and caring about affecting others in a negative way.  Shame on the other hand, is feeling bad about yourself and attacks your ego and self-esteem.  So guilt is directed towards others, and shame is toward yourself.  These ‘non-apologists’ find it difficult to separate the two.

Shame on your ego

Let’s talk about ego.  The definition of ego is ‘a persons sense of self-esteem or self importance’  Ego is the mental image that we  have of ourselves. It is our very sense of identity.  And when we feel shame we pull down our ego/self-worth a notch.  For some people that is too much.  Usually those people have a fragile ego, are insecure and already have a low sense of self-worth, which they are trying to hide from the rest of the world.  They have created an ego/persona so far from the person they really are.  When we apologise and feel guilt we acknowledge that we have hurt another person.  When we apologise and feel shame, we decide that we are bad people.

We apologise in hopes to find resolution and to repair damage, but those who cannot, think that apologies will lead to further accusations and criticism.  The fear of this, and letting everyone know how fragile, or what a fraud they really are, cause a block in the ability to say the word ‘sorry’. The thing is, everybody makes mistakes and being sorry about something does not make you globally a bad person.  Most of the time it comes down to a lapse of judgement.

When sorry isn’t sorry

Another thing that non-apologists do is to say sorry in a round about way that doesnt actually mean sorry.

Some common non-apologies are listed below:

“I’m sorry for the way this all turned out”
This means I’m sorry about the overall outcome but I don’t necessarily acknowledge my fault in this matter.

“I’m sorry that I couldn’t be the person that you wanted me to be”
This is a blatant shift of blame meaning “It’s your own fault for having too high an expectation of me.”

“I’m sorry you feel that way”
This means “You should feel different about this, it’s your own fault for choosing to be upset, angry, hurt, disappointed…etc.”

My response to all of the above is usually a “You can just fuck off now!” or something inspired by this phrase.  Don’t be fooled into accepting an apology that isn’t one.

The pretend it didn’t happen tactic:

Some people don’t apologise, go MIA for a little while ad then come back pretending like it didn’t happen.  And then go further to blame you for not getting over it, moving forward or living in the past.
-“Cant we just get past this?
-“No. Not really. Not until you apologise.”

The sarcastic “S” word:

“Fine, Sorry!”, “If thats what you need to hear”  Apologising is about the words, the tone and the feeling of guilt.  A sarcastic sorry snaps out an accusation not an apology.  The non-apologist is dismissive and accuses the other person of being petty and demanding.

The baby talk “Sorry”:

“Awww, I’m shawy” with puppy dog eyes.  Ugh this is shallow, condescending and manipulative.  Feel free to show your “Shawy” up your ass.

The Suck up:

Said non-apologists may start being super nice to you but still won’t say ‘sorry’, in hopes that you will see their good deeds as an apology and forget all about it.

sorryquote

A Genuine Apology

When you say sorry

  • Understand why you are saying sorry.
  • Explain to the person why you are saying sorry so they know that you understand what you did wrong.
  • Say the words “I’m Sorry”.
  • Offer a reason, not an excuse for your behavior, or explain that you don’t have one.
  • Feel guilty, never angry.
  • Take steps to change or repair the damage.
  • Learn from your mistakes and don’t repeat them.

Somehow, ‘Sorry’ became harder to say than ‘I love you’ or ‘I need you’, based on its ties to feeling shame and damaging one’s ego.  When you can sever these ties and apologise and still survive, you become free and empowered.  You become a better person for being able to care for others.

Feel free to comment about your experience with people who cannot apologise and What makes a great apology?

Disappointment

 

Disappointment is one of the hardest emotions to deal with.  I can get over anger and frustration, but disappointment, that’s a killer.  My expectations of others, to me, don’t seem to be overly high.  Basically put, I expect the same respect, loyalty and honesty that I put out into the world, back.

It is emotionally shattering when someone that you care about falls short of your expectations of even the smallest things.  My heart wants to forget and move on, but my head says that I’m just setting myself up for more heartache down the track.

I’ve always been taught to see the good in others, but when it comes to blindly ignoring a persons actions to preserve your own idea of who and how that person really is, it becomes an issue of of lying to myself and choosing to be naive. Good relationships are built on trust and when there is a moral difference between you and a person, whether it be your partner, mother, father, brother, aunt or close friend, you start to wonder whether you can co-exist with that person.

Sometimes it can be that you haven’t  communicated your expectation of that person to them, and therefore, they cannot live up to those expectations without knowing what those expectations are.

But do I really have to spell this out for you? Do I really need to tell you what it is to be a decent human being?

The answer is yes.  In a world where there are so many different personality types, and people have different histories and up-bringing, it is only logical that they would have different moral codes and standards.

A really good example is tardiness.  Some people have no problem with making people wait for them. ‘It’s only 15 mins, 30 mins, an hour…’  And yet others (including myself) harbour guilt and anxiety when they are late and have not properly respected others’ time – Comes down to how you value your time really, doesn’t it?

So YES, vocalize your expectations, and when that person actively chooses to fall short, then you can right-fully hold them accountable.

So what happens when they do fall short?

You ask yourself, can you live with it? Can you honestly lower your expectation and accept that this person doesn’t have the capacity to fit into your idea of them? Will you accept a compromised version?  Will you settle for less? It’s a tough decision, but if the answer is no, then you must try to distance yourself.  Because if you don’t you will start a very quick path to building resentment for that person.

Maybe not forever.

One day you might see that this person has genuinely evolved and changed, and there ‘new’ being is someone you might want to accept into your life again.  People do change after all.  This is the best outcome you can hope for in the future.

But how do you let go?

I’m still trying to figure this one out myself.  But I tell you, it’s not without some tears and heartache.  Remember that you are choosing to let go an idea that you created of someone, and choosing to see them, in reality, for the person that they actually are.  What is the point of having a friend, if they are a shit friend?  What is the point of trusting someone, when they do not value that trust?  There is no point.  Often we hold on to people because we fear being alone.  But I would rather be alone than be surrounded by toxic people.

Once again, Actively rejecting people and certain personality traits will send a great message to the universe that you want something/someone better.  And the ‘better’ will come eventually. We must let go of the bad ,so that we have time in our lives for good people.  It is far from easy, but the concept makes perfect sense.

Also remember that distancing yourself doesn’t need to be mean or spiteful.  It could just mean interacting on a shallower and impersonal level.  People can only emotionally mess with you if you give them the power to.

This is NOT about YOU.

Another important point is:  Whether or not someone lives up to your expectation, is not a reflection of your worthiness.  Wait, I will say that again:  If someone falls short of your expectation of them, it is not because they thought that you were not worth the effort.  This is about THEM not YOU.  Self blame is a dark, dark road.

Practise Gratitude.

Finally, if you have people that are in you life that are ace-ing the relationship and friendship game, hold on to them tight and be grateful.  Today I’m grateful for David, my kids, mother and our strong family unit, which sets the bar on my expectation of the kind of relationships and interactions I want to be having with others.  To my friends and the few people who are actively putting in the effort to be a positive force in my life, Thank you.  You know who you are. Never go away.

RoxySIGNoff