But what will they say…

When I stopped worrying about what other people would think about me, my opportunities quadrupled and my income tripled.

It’s so amazing how we so willingly accept other people’s opinion and judgement as our truths.

Nobody knows you more than YOU.
Nobody gets to decide your intention when doing something but YOU.
Nobody lives through your story and decisions more than YOU.

But it’s easy to surrender responsibility to others.

I get it. That was me. Always asking advice from my friends (even on the smallest things), Always hesitating do put myself out there because: What would people think? What would people say? How will this decision be perceived?

Always needing someone to validate my actions. TO VALIDATE ME.

What I didn’t realise for a long time is that I allowed others to control and design MY LIFE because of this. People form opinions based on their personal experiences and HISTORY. And everyone’s story and experiences are unique even though some may seem the same.

Which means that yes, you can learn from other people’s mistakes, but the outcome that someone gets from doing something might not be the same as the outcome that you might get from doing the EXACT same thing. There are too many external factors that make up peoples experiences, successes, failures and opinions. And sometimes the WIN you might get it is worth the RISK.

So should you listen to what others SAY? yes, but not everyone…
Should it override how you FEEL about something? Nope.

The best way is to TRY and form your OWN opinions. And WIN, or LEARN…

If I had listened to the people around me or cared what they would think:

I would have not moved to Sydney when I finished school.
I would not have auditioned for Australian Idol back in the day.
I would have not created The Starlettes, The Boutique, The Alternative.
I would have not been an Artist (they told me that I should only be a writer)
I would have given up on RNB.
I would have given up on singing and writing my own songs a long time ago to “get a real job”.
I would not have moved to Mauritius.
I would not have moved to Perth.
I would not be running my own business,
I would not be earning income from living my truth and spreading my message today.

My biggest successes have come from making decisions WITHOUT caring about others opinions.

Because nobody knows my truth like I do.
And finding space to listen to my intuition and backing myself wholeheartedly has made the world of difference to my life.

I AM WHO I WANT TO BE ALL THE TIME NOW.
And with that CERTAINTY and CONFIDENCE comes OPPORTUNITY and SUCCESS.

And I’m here to EMPOWER others to do the same… However it looks like for them.

Let me know if you are READY 👇

I’m done with hiding

HERE’S THE THING. I’M DONE WITH HIDING.

People still say to me – “It wouldn’t kill you to put a little makeup on or brush your hair before you do your videos, Roxy.”

And you know what — it might. It might kill that beautiful idea that my peeps all currently have of me that I’m super proud of: I am authentically, and unapolegitically me. 👊

And when I dont want to dress up for you, I wont.
Because I dont need to hide behind smoke and mirrors to share my message.

And if you are going to reject what I have to say about life, because I didn’t pluck my eyebrows or put on some lipstick then “bye felicia…” my message isn’t for you.👋

I share when I feel like I have something to say and when I have value to give back to my community. And sometimes there’s no time to worry about what it looks like and what people will say about me.

I don’t need to do myself up to feel beautiful and confident. I made that happen from the inside.
I got over myself. Because what I do and how I serve others is ultimately NOT ABOUT ME.

In my life I have learnt from all different kinds of people, from all walks of life, of various cultures and backgrounds, of every age group. I have learnt to listen past the bullshit aesthetic stuff. You know that saying ‘Dont judge a book by its cover….’ Yeh that shit…💯

Because if you limit yourself to only listening to people who look/sound right. Then you are putting a massive cap on your learning.

Everyone has a lesson to teach if you are willing to listen hard enough… And sometimes the best lessons are taught in the most unorthodox ways, by the most unexpected people. ✨

Love Yourself?

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There’s this really old idea that ‘Nobody can love you, if you don’t love yourself”.

People who promote this idea are often doing it out of good intention. I have even found myself giving this advice in the past.  But loving yourself is difficult and at times  feels almost impossible for some people.

Let’s look at it a little differently.. If you were never taught how to love, how would you know?

Some of us have grown up in less fortunate environments which have instilled deep seeded issues around love, trust, self-worth and acceptance.  In all races, cultures and class of family, there can be a lack of emotional intelligence, communication and love.  If your parents weren’t affectionate towards each other or you, then how do you learn to be affectionate toward others?  If your family doesn’t value you as a person, how do you learn to value yourself and others?

The answer is from other people.  Those people who have seen the ‘broken you’ and can accept and love you regardless.  Those people that take the time to listen to your negative train of thoughts and put in the effort to derail those ideas.  Unconditional love and acceptance heals the deepest issues over time.

Sometimes I look at you and think, ‘why can’t you see how amazing you are?’

It is difficult to love someone that doesn’t love (or even like) themselves.  You are always fighting the demon that attacks their self worth.  There is always a reason why they shouldn’t feel good about themselves or why they don’t deserve something.  The emotional road blocks are high and at times, the person gets angry at you for not agreeing with them.  These people are always collecting evidence as to why they are not good enough.  They are almost comfortable in a state of self-loathing, but then they hate that they are this way at the same time. Depression is a demon that can take over your entire life and dim it into darkness.

To be helpful we must understand and accept that, just because you tell someone to feel better, it doesn’t mean that they will (whether they want to or not).  And just because you tell someone to ‘get over it’, doesn’t mean that they can.  All you can really do is be patient and try to de-bunk all the emotional negative ideas with positive  and logical ones.

If you are the person dealing with self-worth and self-love issues, forget about the idea that no one can love you if you can’t love yourself.  There are people who love you for the person that you are.  There are people that see the good in you where you can only see the bad.  There are people who actually want to be around you.  And there are people that see your value to them and the world.  Surround yourself with those people and Accept it.  You don’t need to love yourself just yet, but ACCEPT yourself, no matter how broken or how much of a mess you think you are.

‘This is me. I’m broken, I have issues. I accept that this is who I am’

It is through acceptance of ourselves that we learn to accept other’s love and positive energy.  Accepting that you are broken opens the door for others to help pick up the pieces.  And if you cannot focus on the good in yourself. focus on the good in other people.  Law of attraction says focusing on the good will attract the good.  And in time, you will learn to love yourself, bit by bit.

Please feel free to comment if you can relate. I would love to hear your thoughts.

And don’t forget to subscribe or follow to get notified of new blogs from The Alternative.

 

RoxySIGNoff

Drama Queen 101

Surround yourself with people who want to move forward not live in that past.

Talk about opinions, the world, passions, art, music, philosophy and politics, not other people.

Rub shoulders with the passionate.

Learn from the successful.

There is not enough time in your life for unnecessary drama…

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The Art Of ‘No’

I used to be the ultimate people pleaser and struggled so much with saying ‘no’.  Growing up in a huge family that was very close knit, we were raised with the idea that the right thing to do was to always help people and be compassionate, forgiving and always see the good in others.

Very hard blanket rules that we learn to adhere to without flexibility make for some serious issues down the line in our adult life.  At one point I absolutely dreaded saying ‘no’.  The word would come with a huge boulder of guilt that lay heavy on my shoulders.  As a result of this, I often found myself in awkward situations or helping people I didn’t want to ,or giving up time I didn’t have to others.

Saying ‘yes’ when you mean ‘no’  is a terrible habit.  On every level.  It leads you away from your natural path of life and often can leave you feeling used, bitter and resentful.

For example: “Hey Roxy, can you please give me a lift to work?”  My thoughts : ‘Well actually, I have an appointment in 20 mins and you are going in the other direction so I don’t really have time for that cause I will be late.  Me out loud: “Yeh ok” accompanied with a smile.  Obviously my friend gets dropped off and I miss my appointment and my natural thought pattern goes to : ‘Fuck! why did she have to ask me…now I’ve missed my appointment because of her… grrr…’ – And there it is, Resentment. Underserved because I couldn’t say ‘no’.  This situation is entirely my fault.  What I should have said “Actually, I have an appointment in 20 mins, so I won’t be able to this time, sorry”.  Seems pretty simple right?  Well under a boulder of ‘no’ guilt, sometimes its impossible.

Scenario 2:

Cousin chops off my left foot (bear with me).  Said cousin asks me to go out for a coffee.  Me thinking: ‘No I don’t like you’. Me out loud “Yeh sure”.  The following experience is awkward and unpleasant and I pretend to be happy – yes people, now I’ve resorted to lying.  What should have happened:  Cousin “Hey you wanna go for coffee?” Me “No, not really”.  Cousin “Come on, why?”  Me “Bitch you cut off my left foot and I don’t like you!”…yes it’s a bit abrupt but at least its the truth.

So in the years of saying ‘yes’ instead of ‘no’, I became a contradiction.  I realised that I had made myself a dishonest and two-faced person.  These scary ‘no’s’ had turned me into an awful version of myself.  Surely this was much worse than turning down a few people.

And so one day I decided I was done with that.  That I would push through the guilt and be forward about how I felt about things.  It really made me feel like a grown up to be able to openly own my emotions like that and very quickly I fizzled out the ‘users’ that were constantly in my world.  I avoided putting myself in awkward situations, I felt no resentment and in communicating better, I started to create more meaningful relationships with the right people around me.

The hardest part is to separate your emotional reaction to a situation and look at it logically.  We must remember that emotions are subjective and logic is objective.  The same emotional reaction to a certain situation will not necessarily be shared by the individuals in that scenario. But the logical reality generally remains consistent.  

We all have a different catalogue of memories which we often call back to when navigating the world.  Take myself as an example, I went to an all-girl catholic private high school growing up.  We wore a bright red uniform everyday, red and white school dress, red pullover, red blazer and even red hair tie.  Today you would never catch me in anything red.  I can’t put it on me without feeling yuck.  Now, it’s not that it looks bad on me or its a bad colour, but it reminds me of sitting at school with no freedoms and being bored as fuck.  To anyone else, it’s just a colour and some people even love it (probably because of another type of emotional memory). But if I really had to wear red for a particular reason, I would deal with my hang up by understanding where the emotional reaction comes from, clarifying the difference between my memory catalogue and the current situation and debunking the negative block.  

It’s the same with saying ‘no’.  If we recognise the emotional reaction and put it aside, we can think about the logical reasoning for saying ‘no’ thus making it an acceptable response.  Communicating the reason why also reduces the chance for bad assumptions so that’s a good idea too.

The word ‘no’, although literally meaning ‘negative’, does not need to be judged  in that way.   Saying ‘no’ is just leaving us time and energy to say ‘yes’ somewhere else.   Sometimes you have to look after yourself before you can help others.  In an airplane safety video, you are asked to put the oxygen mask on yourself before helping others fit theirs.  This is simply because If you are in a better position, you are better equipped to help others.  It’s not a selfish act if it’s a logical one.

So my big advice for today is to master the art of ‘no’.  Use it appropriately and take responsibility for your own opinions and feelings. Never say ‘maybe’ when you actually mean ‘no’.  It does not soften the blow.  We live in a world with way too much assumption, censoring and political correctness.  If the world started being more direct and honest with each other, we would speed up the process of finding the right kind of friends and developing better relationships; both personal and in business.  And the fakers of the world would be exposed very quickly.  Imagine a world of honest people.  It’s a big ask but small steps may one day lead us there.  In the meanwhile, master your ‘nos’ and own those feelings.  You will be a much better person for it.

Finally I’m really interested to know if anyone shares the ‘no’ guilt issue or has struggled with this in their life.   If so, what do you think were the factors  that contributed/s in conditioning you to feel this way, and how do/did you cope with it?

Feel free to leave comments (button near date at the top).

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Thanks for reading friends 🙂

Roxy Xx

 

 

What Consumes Your Mind, Controls Your Life

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Anxiety and worry often gets the better of us. We pile it up until there is no room for anything else in our minds and it overflows into our lifestyles, work, relationships and dreams. It often rushes us into bad decisions and allows negative energy to flow back to us. A vicious cycle that can be changed only with a break in the routine..

When we can turn this energy into creative expression we give ourselves an outlet and way to exchange our negative energy into something positive and can find our ‘happy’ again.

With help and support from friends, family and mentors, we overflow, cry, hug, pull it together, see the situation with clearer eyes, (and in my case) write a song…

Everyone has their days.. Don’t deny yourself the human right to be vulnerable, just understand the people who you can trust to be around you when your in that state..