One Decision

I dreamt of a life where I could just create music and spend quality time with my family and friends.
Where the pressure of making money did not rest on my art,
and therefore I could make things that I would LIKE, rather than the things that would SELL (massive difference).
Where I could buy and give my family the highest quality of living without thinking twice about my budget or if I would have enough later.
Where I could choose my gigs based on if I WANTED to go, rather than feel the need to take work or risk being short for my bills and expenses.

A life where I wasn’t held prisoner to my talent or job.

I knew nothing about using the internet for business, except for sharing my music and where I was gigging on facebook etc.
I didn’t understand about SEO or ROIs or even CPE (honestly…I still only know just what I need here)

And then I was introduced to a community of heart-centred entrepreneurs.
People just like me, who wanted more out of life then to pay bills and die.
People who told me that I deserved more and convinced me that it was achievable.

They propped me up.
They set fire to my dreams again.
They kicked my ass when I slacked off.
They celebrated every win and milestone I achieved.
And supported me with skills, education, business advice and coaching every step of the way.

What happened was incredible.
In the last year:

I expanded my teaching business.
I set up a base for me and my family in Perth.
I launched an online program.
I fixed my health.
I got a better hold of my energy and stress levels.
I gave myself a pay rise for my performances.
I travelled and worked remotely, mostly on my own time.
I learnt a ton of new skills.
I earnt money in my sleep!! (I know right!)
I let go of a lot of my issues.
I faced some of my demons.
I put myself on The Voice Australia.
I created the album I’ve been dreaming about for over 10 years (just wait till you hear it).
All while creating multiple ways of earning and giving myself more options for the future.

I still have time to hang with my babies.
I’m still passionate about what I do.
And I’m super excited to help others make break-throughs and changes that have a positive impact on their lives.

I get you might think this is all too good to be true.
I thought it was too, but I gave it a go anyway.
Because the only thing I had to lose was my old life, the old me… And I’m ok with that.

It all started with some epic free online workshops. One decision that I totally wasn’t ready for.
But am so glad I did…And now I’m offering them to you…

Click here for access

But what will they say…

When I stopped worrying about what other people would think about me, my opportunities quadrupled and my income tripled.

It’s so amazing how we so willingly accept other people’s opinion and judgement as our truths.

Nobody knows you more than YOU.
Nobody gets to decide your intention when doing something but YOU.
Nobody lives through your story and decisions more than YOU.

But it’s easy to surrender responsibility to others.

I get it. That was me. Always asking advice from my friends (even on the smallest things), Always hesitating do put myself out there because: What would people think? What would people say? How will this decision be perceived?

Always needing someone to validate my actions. TO VALIDATE ME.

What I didn’t realise for a long time is that I allowed others to control and design MY LIFE because of this. People form opinions based on their personal experiences and HISTORY. And everyone’s story and experiences are unique even though some may seem the same.

Which means that yes, you can learn from other people’s mistakes, but the outcome that someone gets from doing something might not be the same as the outcome that you might get from doing the EXACT same thing. There are too many external factors that make up peoples experiences, successes, failures and opinions. And sometimes the WIN you might get it is worth the RISK.

So should you listen to what others SAY? yes, but not everyone…
Should it override how you FEEL about something? Nope.

The best way is to TRY and form your OWN opinions. And WIN, or LEARN…

If I had listened to the people around me or cared what they would think:

I would have not moved to Sydney when I finished school.
I would not have auditioned for Australian Idol back in the day.
I would have not created The Starlettes, The Boutique, The Alternative.
I would have not been an Artist (they told me that I should only be a writer)
I would have given up on RNB.
I would have given up on singing and writing my own songs a long time ago to “get a real job”.
I would not have moved to Mauritius.
I would not have moved to Perth.
I would not be running my own business,
I would not be earning income from living my truth and spreading my message today.

My biggest successes have come from making decisions WITHOUT caring about others opinions.

Because nobody knows my truth like I do.
And finding space to listen to my intuition and backing myself wholeheartedly has made the world of difference to my life.

I AM WHO I WANT TO BE ALL THE TIME NOW.
And with that CERTAINTY and CONFIDENCE comes OPPORTUNITY and SUCCESS.

And I’m here to EMPOWER others to do the same… However it looks like for them.

Let me know if you are READY 👇

I’m done with hiding

HERE’S THE THING. I’M DONE WITH HIDING.

People still say to me – “It wouldn’t kill you to put a little makeup on or brush your hair before you do your videos, Roxy.”

And you know what — it might. It might kill that beautiful idea that my peeps all currently have of me that I’m super proud of: I am authentically, and unapolegitically me. 👊

And when I dont want to dress up for you, I wont.
Because I dont need to hide behind smoke and mirrors to share my message.

And if you are going to reject what I have to say about life, because I didn’t pluck my eyebrows or put on some lipstick then “bye felicia…” my message isn’t for you.👋

I share when I feel like I have something to say and when I have value to give back to my community. And sometimes there’s no time to worry about what it looks like and what people will say about me.

I don’t need to do myself up to feel beautiful and confident. I made that happen from the inside.
I got over myself. Because what I do and how I serve others is ultimately NOT ABOUT ME.

In my life I have learnt from all different kinds of people, from all walks of life, of various cultures and backgrounds, of every age group. I have learnt to listen past the bullshit aesthetic stuff. You know that saying ‘Dont judge a book by its cover….’ Yeh that shit…💯

Because if you limit yourself to only listening to people who look/sound right. Then you are putting a massive cap on your learning.

Everyone has a lesson to teach if you are willing to listen hard enough… And sometimes the best lessons are taught in the most unorthodox ways, by the most unexpected people. ✨

My Art Not Yours

 

Everyone who deals with creatives should read this.

Let me just put this out there:  Like many creatives in this world, I have a problem with authority.  I simply don’t like being told what to do, it makes me feel oppressed.  But evermore annoying are people who try to fuck with my art.  I’m a performer, singer, songwriter and artist and have been for the most part of my life and I still have people who have no idea about being a muso/creative trying to tell me how I should live my life, that I should get a real job or that I should change my art.

ITS MINE NOT YOURS. Its Art.  I couldn’t give a fuck about whether you like it or not.  I LIKE IT. That’s why I do it.  The more I evolve as an artist, the more I realise that it cannot be about making money or trying to please everybody.  It doesn’t matter how good you are, there is always going to be somebody that wont like you or understand your vibe.  And the more defined you are, the less people you will appeal to.  And that’s totally OK.

Don’t get me wrong.  I like feedback on projects that I’m working on, and I regularly ask this from my peers, mentors and trusted peeps and sometimes fans, but that is when it is in its building, and creating process.  If I’ve already released my single and done the photos and printed out 100 000 copies and sold a bunch – you’ve kinda missed the boat on helping me arrange the vocals etc… at this point you either like it or you don’t.  I’m fine with that.  And if you start a sentence with “You know you would make more money if you….”  I might punch you in the face (or at least tune you out for the next few phrases).

Of course I would like to make more money from my art.  But not if it means selling out and compromising the very thing that makes me feel good about it.  It is already difficult to have a good balance between business & creative passion, So if you like my stuff and want to help by sharing it with others than awesome. And if it’s not for you, I understand.

This also goes with my live band/s.  If you saw me somewhere with my band and you like what we do.  Don’t book us then ask us to do something completely different.  If you saw my Rnb band and you loved it, don’t book us for your wedding and ask if we can play rock and roll and love shack and heavy metal all night.  The answer is no.  Even if we could, its not what we have chosen to do as an outfit.  A few requests will always be fine but when you are micro-managing our set list, we probably won’t enjoy our night.

Real art and music is personal and takes a lot of courage to share with others.  And we creatives are sensitive as fuck.  So when you give feed back, be gentle and detailed and helpful, not dismissive, authoritative and vague.  And choose your timing wisely.

And yes, I know I should “Get a website, get social media and get more followers’.  Don’t just tell me about it…help me.

To the creatives out there, I’m sure I’ve hit home with this for some of you, I’d love to know what are your other pet peeves when it comes to this stuff?  Feel free to comment below 🙂

 

Thanks for reading 🙂 If you like what my stuff and want to support me, you can do so by clicking here:

support at patreon

Fr-Enemies (part 1)

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I arrived at your birthday dinner, a celebration of your success and achievements of the year.  I sit down at the table, and there they are.  5 of them.  In our conversations, I’ve heard you talk about how they have stabbed you in the back.  How one of them slept with your boyfriend and how much you dislike being around them.  Yet there they are, seated at your dinner table, sporting their best outfits and smiles.  I wonder ‘why are they here?, why did you invite them?’ I know you don’t like them, you know you don’t like them, the vibe is awkward as fuck for me, and probably you too.  And then it dawns on me.  Could I be one of them too?  Are we actually friends or am I a ‘frenemy’?

Keep your enemies closer they say….But why would I do that?  To guard the every move or word like a paranoid lunatic, so that I can quickly diffuse or damage control every interaction that may have a negative affect to my image or life? Sounds exhausting!  So that I can collect more evidence of why that frenemy should not be part of my life? Is that not harbouring negativity for myself?

How do you feel about me?  How do I know that you genuinely like me if I see your enemies receiving the same treatment?  How do I trust your words, your actions?  What could you be saying behind my back?  I mean, I’m here too, amongst your so called ‘friends’. Am I the only one who feels the underlying tension?

Why do you keep them (us) around?  Are you lonely? Are you so scared of being alone and unpopular that anyone will do? ‘Any relationship, any friendship is better than none.’ Do you believe that?

Is it strategic?  Are you playing some kind of sick revenge game like we see on those soap opera tv shows?  Are you secretly planning a take down?  Are you keeping them around because you feel you have to?  Do they hold dirt on you that you believe they would use against you, were you not friends anymore?

Are you trying to be the ‘better’ person?  A better Christian or whatever? and forgive and forget or fake it till you make it, in hopes that everyone might see what a good and understanding and mature person you are?

Do you feel pity? Are you feeling sorry for your frenemy, that they may not have other people in their life that would fill the void of you not being there? Maybe you don’t know how to break up or end a friendship in an adult and mature manner.

Whatever it is, I pity your insecurity and lack of emotional intelligence.  I will not talk so loud however, because I know what some of that stuff feels like.  I too have had frenemies.  I know too well how to smile when I have to, and say the right things.  I know too well the uneasy feeling of poison in my circle of friends.

And then one day, somebody asked me the above questions.  And when I responded truthfully after some self-reflection, I saw how ridiculous I was being and how much energy I was expelling trying to keep up with lies and schemes.  And one by one I debunked my hang ups.  I decided that I would not be afraid of being alone if I liked the person that I was.  I decided that I wasn’t going to settle for quantity over quality with my friendships and that popularity was a concept for high school and business.  I decided I wanted more for myself, and that I would give my energy to those around me  that I trust and those who genuinely wanted to see me happy and successful, those I could rely on. One of the best decisions I ever made for myself.

Maybe one day you will find that place too.  Because really, who wants frenemies when you could just have friends?

 

 

Sorry Not Sorry

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There is something that rubs me the wrong way about people who cannot, don’t or won’t say “Sorry”.  I have come across a few people in my life who, even when they know that they are undoubtedly at fault, cannot succumb to the ‘S’ word, as it if would crumble their very being.  For me it’s pretty simple.  If you have done something wrong, or that has impacted someone negatively: you say sorry, you feel sorry.  It shows you care enough about that person’s well-being and that you admit that you are feeling guilt.

Guilt Vs Shame

I did some research on people who can’t apologise and what I found was that it usually comes down to one major point: People cannot apologise because instead of guilt, they feel shame.  There is a big difference between the emotions of guilt and shame.  Guilt is being upset and caring about affecting others in a negative way.  Shame on the other hand, is feeling bad about yourself and attacks your ego and self-esteem.  So guilt is directed towards others, and shame is toward yourself.  These ‘non-apologists’ find it difficult to separate the two.

Shame on your ego

Let’s talk about ego.  The definition of ego is ‘a persons sense of self-esteem or self importance’  Ego is the mental image that we  have of ourselves. It is our very sense of identity.  And when we feel shame we pull down our ego/self-worth a notch.  For some people that is too much.  Usually those people have a fragile ego, are insecure and already have a low sense of self-worth, which they are trying to hide from the rest of the world.  They have created an ego/persona so far from the person they really are.  When we apologise and feel guilt we acknowledge that we have hurt another person.  When we apologise and feel shame, we decide that we are bad people.

We apologise in hopes to find resolution and to repair damage, but those who cannot, think that apologies will lead to further accusations and criticism.  The fear of this, and letting everyone know how fragile, or what a fraud they really are, cause a block in the ability to say the word ‘sorry’. The thing is, everybody makes mistakes and being sorry about something does not make you globally a bad person.  Most of the time it comes down to a lapse of judgement.

When sorry isn’t sorry

Another thing that non-apologists do is to say sorry in a round about way that doesnt actually mean sorry.

Some common non-apologies are listed below:

“I’m sorry for the way this all turned out”
This means I’m sorry about the overall outcome but I don’t necessarily acknowledge my fault in this matter.

“I’m sorry that I couldn’t be the person that you wanted me to be”
This is a blatant shift of blame meaning “It’s your own fault for having too high an expectation of me.”

“I’m sorry you feel that way”
This means “You should feel different about this, it’s your own fault for choosing to be upset, angry, hurt, disappointed…etc.”

My response to all of the above is usually a “You can just fuck off now!” or something inspired by this phrase.  Don’t be fooled into accepting an apology that isn’t one.

The pretend it didn’t happen tactic:

Some people don’t apologise, go MIA for a little while ad then come back pretending like it didn’t happen.  And then go further to blame you for not getting over it, moving forward or living in the past.
-“Cant we just get past this?
-“No. Not really. Not until you apologise.”

The sarcastic “S” word:

“Fine, Sorry!”, “If thats what you need to hear”  Apologising is about the words, the tone and the feeling of guilt.  A sarcastic sorry snaps out an accusation not an apology.  The non-apologist is dismissive and accuses the other person of being petty and demanding.

The baby talk “Sorry”:

“Awww, I’m shawy” with puppy dog eyes.  Ugh this is shallow, condescending and manipulative.  Feel free to show your “Shawy” up your ass.

The Suck up:

Said non-apologists may start being super nice to you but still won’t say ‘sorry’, in hopes that you will see their good deeds as an apology and forget all about it.

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A Genuine Apology

When you say sorry

  • Understand why you are saying sorry.
  • Explain to the person why you are saying sorry so they know that you understand what you did wrong.
  • Say the words “I’m Sorry”.
  • Offer a reason, not an excuse for your behavior, or explain that you don’t have one.
  • Feel guilty, never angry.
  • Take steps to change or repair the damage.
  • Learn from your mistakes and don’t repeat them.

Somehow, ‘Sorry’ became harder to say than ‘I love you’ or ‘I need you’, based on its ties to feeling shame and damaging one’s ego.  When you can sever these ties and apologise and still survive, you become free and empowered.  You become a better person for being able to care for others.

Feel free to comment about your experience with people who cannot apologise and What makes a great apology?